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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "pet supplies." So I did. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

. When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, 'Jose, can you see?'"

A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.

Q: What does a 1000 pound bird say?? A: SQUAWK!!!

Now I lay me down to sleep; If I die before I wake, Please somebody; step on the BRAKE!

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . . DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the

A man and his parrot go for a walk and find a bunch of people trying to get a man out of a pothole. One man yells, "Throw him a rope," so the parrot repeats, "Throw him a rope, throw him a rope." Next, the man and the parrot go to the deli and order a bologna sandwich. The parrot repeats, "Bologna, bologna." Mext, the man goes to the carnival with his parrot, and play the game where you throw a dart at the balloon. The carni yells, "Hit a color, win a prize," so the parrot repeats, "Hit a color, win a prize, hit a color, win a prize." The next day the man and his parrot go to church and the minister is talking about the devil, and the parrot yells, "Throw him a rope, throw him a rope."

1#Yo momma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!" 2#Yo momma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out. 3#Yo momma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits! 4#Yo momma's so fat, she has her own zip code! 5#Yo momma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side. 6#Yo momma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas! 7#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show! 8#Yo momma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in? 9#Yo momma's so fa

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions... 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geez, better get cracking." and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says "yes, no, yes, no....."

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well, get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"