What does it mean when a blonde is saying, "yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?" She's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working!

Q)Why does a traffic light turn red? A)You would to if you had to change in front of all those people.

Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she's the fairest in the land.

You're so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?" Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?" Tom: "The smaller piece, of course." Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't believe that's a good idea. I'll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walks away. Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it's pronounced 'Quiche'"

Things some people learn as they "mature." I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jerks. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it. I've learned that, without a good mind, you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that reg

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry." Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?"

Three guys go into a bar: a guy from Dallas, a guy from San Francisco, and a guy from Boulder. They drank and got a little rowdy. Suddenly, completely without warning, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, unscrewed the top, took a good swig, and threw the bottle into the air. He then jerked a Colt .45 pistol out of his pocket and shot the bottle, spraying tequila all over everything and everybody. The patrons at the bar shouted, "Hey, bud, why'd you waste that tequila?" The Texan said, "Heck, it's just tequila. Us Texans go across the border all the time and get all the tequila we want." Not to be outdone, the Californian whipped out a corkscrew and uncorked a bottle of wine. He poured

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

One day, John dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets the demon. Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?" John: "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?" John: "Sure, I love to drink." Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer...We drink till we throw up and then drink some more." John: "Gee, that sounds great!" Demon: "You a smoker?" John: "You better believe it." Demon: "Allright! You're gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going?" The elderly man replied, "To the doctor's." Surprised, his wife asked "Why, are you sick?" "No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." With that, his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater. Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the doctor, too." "Why?" She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."