God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, "Folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world." Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, "My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world." Then Bill Gates

Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence!

Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves? A. She fell out of the tree!

A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says, "I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!"

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man's drink. The first man said "Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!"

"LEARNING CHINESE" That's not right: Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man: Dum Gai Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim? I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone: No Pah King You are not very bright: Yu So Dum I got this for free: Ai No Pei Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao? Stay out of sight: Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: "Parking for drive-through customers only!"

A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddie from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play. On the first tee, the golfer missed his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par. The man turned to his caddie and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!" To which the caddie replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. Skinny people say things like "You know sometimes I forget to eat!" Now,I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn't care. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigoro

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of

Two best friends were staying at a hotel.Their room was on the tenth floor. One day, because the lift was under repair, they started climbing the stairs. On reaching the first floor, one friend remembered something and said - First Friend : Hey listen! I want to tell you something. Second Friend : Go on, speak. First friend : No, no, you may get angry. I'll tell you later. This conversation happened whenever they reached a floor. Finally,when they reached in front of their room - First Friend : Hey listen! I want to tell you something. Second Friend (irritated) : Please speak then. First Friend : Friend,we forgot to collect the keys from the desk.