Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period? A: She only has on one sock!

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...... You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was th

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?" "SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fa

This is an actual chatroom conversation from a "local Chatroom" Joe: I wonder what would happen if you had a sleep number bed, and set it to 69? Christy: ? huh? Mike: I dont know, but it sure sounds tasty! Joe: You probably wouldn't understand Christy, you're too pure and innocent. Christy: Maybe... sounds more like a police code or something Mike: lol, ya, that's it. "This is the dispatcher, what is your status" Joe: lol "We have a 69 in progress at the overpass, Officer needs assistance" Mike: "Move in! Move in! Officer has gone down, repeat, Officer has gone down! Joe: "Someone better call the fire department, looks like we'll need the Jaws of Life for this one!" Christy:

When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.

Some of the replies given by a group of five to seven year olds from New York State who were asked, "How are babies made?" "Mom makes babies with Dr. Roberts. I dunno how they do it." "If a man and a woman love each other very, very much, the woman will grow a baby inside her body." "Dad has a carrot that he plants in Mom's cabbage patch. About a year later the baby has been grown." "Mom collects the babies from the hospital where they are born somehow." "Mom takes a pill every day and it's a baby pill. It makes a baby grow inside her tummy. When it's one year old it comes out of her and cries." "Mom and Dad are happy together and then a baby comes along." "The father gives the mother

You might be a redneck if . . . you have been married three times and you still have the same in-laws, You think TACO BELL is a Mexican Phone Company, Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back, You think Possum is "The Other White Meat", You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

Little Birds Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere - thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lu

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.

President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving - where are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas."

The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.