Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. The same as the number of men, you sexist bastard!

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Real headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"

Ben never saw action on his high school football team. One day, the assistant coach gave him a pep talk. "Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no 'I' in 'team'." "True," said the boy. "But there is a 'Ben' in 'bench'."

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.

I have a map of the world... its actual size.

Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court. The ex-wife is crying her eyes out. Her ex-husband comes over and says: "There, there Missy, you're still my sister!"

Entitled To One Phone Call Two teenagers were arrested for public lewdness and possession of marijuana when they were found naked, enjoying a joint on the edge of the fountain in the town square. The arresting officer, unable to reach their parents, gave them each one phone call. A half hour later, a man entered the station. The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the kids' lawyer?" "Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just delivering their pizza!"

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995 You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier. Every time a player slides into second, he busts his hip. They keep shouting "Do over!" When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!" Players constantly adjusting each other's cups. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!" They play like the Mets.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won't fit in printer!!! March – Got really excited . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said "2-4 years!" April – Trapped on escalator for hours . . .power went out!!! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid . . .wrong instructions . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June – Tried to go water skiing . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August – Got locked

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.