All the boys and girls in Mrs. Dovers class are drawing. Mrs. Dover came over to Tommy and said, "What picture are you drawing?" Tommy said, "A cow eating grass." "Ok, where's the grass?" "The cow ate it all." "Ok, where's the cow?" "He went to go look for more grass."

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.

Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.

Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.

What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf? Porkloaf, why? Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair

Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she's the fairest in the land.

Why do firemen use red suspenders? To hold their pants up!!!

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself. After he was given the check, he summoned the head waiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners and thrown into the gutter just as if I were a bum!" "I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-" "Oh it's quite all right!" interrupted the gentleman, but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."