Popular Jokes
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp s
One there was a wrestler in a very, very light weight wrestling match. He only weighed 135 pounds and his opponent even less than that. He was just about to wrestle that day when his coach dragged him off the ring. "I need to speak with him," the coach called.
"Why'd you take me out?" asked the wrestler, nervous. "What did I do?"
"Calm down. I don't think you're fit to beat your opponent."
"Yeah, well, I doubt it, Coach. I could carry that guy in the palm of my hand. He only weighs 85 pounds, maybe 90."
"Yes, but he has a lot of muscle!"
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. "My head's spinning," the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."
What a mother wants for Mother's Day
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash).
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.
5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a
Superman was bored one day; he goes to see Batman, and he asks, "Do you want to go save the world?"
"Sorry" Batman said. "Spring cleaning at the Batcave,"
so Superman goes to see the Green Lantern.
"You wanna save the world?" he asks. "Can't, ring has been acting up," Lantern said.
Then, flying around the city, Superman sees Wonderwoman sitting on top of a building totally naked. Superman thinks to himself, knowing that he could fly down there, do his business and be gone before she realized what happened.(He doesn't last very long), so he decide to go for it, flies down, has his fun, and is gone.
Wonderwoman asks, "What's wrong, Invisible Man?"
"I don't know but my ass hurts like he
Laundromat sign:
Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I thin
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