An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads. The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal." The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy." The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell, we have a spare tire in the tr

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuf

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?" I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the low seventies." There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The low seventies?" "Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.

Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease... * Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. * She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on the first date." * Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of her ears. * Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder. * Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body. * Your cow demands to be branded with the "Golden Arches" logo. * Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. * Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows. * Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King. * She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia. * Your cow joins the He

Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican? Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.

"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said." "When did you first notice this problem?" "What problem?"

I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!

If "poly" means "many" and a tic is a bloodsucking creature, than what are politicians?

A woman is having a problem with her closet door, it was falling off every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls off every time a bus passes by. "OK, I'm going to see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet. Just then, the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman: "Well, you're not going to believe it, but I'm waiting for a bus!"

When I was a little boy, I was considered clever for my age. When you were a little boy, you must have eaten paint chips.

You are a redneck if: You've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer.