A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don't take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.

After receiving, for what must be the hundredth time, the canonical light bulb joke list, I came up with this: Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark. A' : One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with Halliburton to replace it. A'': thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb's burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President's bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk shows to accuse the Democrats of being weak on light, and one to deny rumors that it's still dark in there. A''': sixty: thirty to bribe st

A guy walks in to the Barbershop. Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "Well, I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that?" Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time."

-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. -- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. -- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. -- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. -- Lymph (v.), to walk with a limp. -- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash. -- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. -- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. -- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'. -- Frisbeetarianism (n.),

Knock knock. Who's there? Yudare. Yudare who? You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?

There was this lady who was in the shower and her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs and says: "Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her. "Well, that's Mommy's washcloth." The next day he walked in on her again, and asked her again. She says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking. So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks: "Mommy what happened to your washcloth?" "Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out. The next day he walked in on his mom and says: "Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth. She is washing Daddy's face with it!"

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman buys the food. 2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast? A: Bring a gun to the box-office.

ON MODERNISM How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. THOUGHTS ON METAPHYSICS Deja Vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.