A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one! He adjusts his hat and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two! He adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" Once more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three! He thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, "I'm the best pitcher in the world!"

I learned French in six easy liasons.

Remember the Golden Rule He who has the gold makes the rules.

A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, "Do you want some pie?" The boy replied, "Sure." So the mother was saying "3.141592..." over and over and then said, "Want some ratio?"

Believe it or not, Windows95 is not a virus, as many (millions) have claimed. You want proof? Look no further! What's the difference between Windows95 and a virus? Quality Replicates Quickly Virus: Yes Windows95: Yes Uses up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so Virus: Yes Windows95: Yes Occasional hard disk destruction Virus: Yes Windows95: Yes Usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Virus: Yes Windows95:Yes Will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware Virus:Yes Windows95:Yes Occasional meltdown of vital components Virus:Yes Windows95:Yes Until now it

How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.

The town of Chelm decided to build a new synagogue. So, some strong, able-bodied men were sent to a mountaintop to gather heavy stones for the foundation. The men put the stones on their shoulders and trudged down the mountain to the town below. When they arrived, the town constable yelled, "Foolish men! You should have rolled the stones down the mountain!" The men agreed this was an excellent idea. So they turned around, and with the stones still on their shoulders, trudged back up the mountain, and rolled the stones back down again.

What a mother wants for Mother's Day 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash). 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt. 5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" 4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a

Your mother used to go fishing in the Pacific ocean, but now she goes fission there.

Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.

Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)

HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer 4. Arrives at destination presently. HIS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. 3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window 5. Hocks a loogie 6. Pulls up to a 7 -11 7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky 8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Farts 11. After he closes the door. 12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. 13. Driv