How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb!

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - she is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

On Cows and Government FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to t

How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? 1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .

Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.

Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*

What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.

Jan 3rd, 1995 I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic! Jan 4th, 1995 Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the university campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was sim

Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!"

Why are the blonde's boobs square? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!

Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.