Q. how long does it take for a man to change a lightbulb? A. 5 mins. 20 secs. 1 min to get a lightbulb 1 min to try and change it 1 min to swear because he can't do it 1 min to find a woman 20 secs. for her to change it 1 min for him to cry and gripe about it.

Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you? "Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid."

From Harper's Magazine: Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - she is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - she commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - she is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - she is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - she achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - she is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - she has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

On Cows and Government FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to t

All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln.

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'." The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma o

Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.

Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*

What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!