Two men were riding on a train. One of them had a bottle in his coat pocket, and the other one wanted it. Finally the train went through a dark tunnel and the man was able to take the bottle out and drink up all the "whisky" inside of it. Then he put it back into the other man's pocket. When the train came out of the tunnel, the man who owned the bottle took it out of his pocket, opened it up, and spit into it.

You are a redneck if: you've ever had to towel dry after a fart.

Q: Did you hear the story about the peacock? A: It's a beautiful tail.

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office. "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked. The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" "I have $40,000 in my sav

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Ryan's teeth were so yellow that when he walked outside, the sun said give me my butter.

A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $17,000." "What did he have?" "Oh... About $17,000."

-Your mom is so fat, I rolled over twice and I was still on top of her. -Your mom is so fat, you need a Thomas Guide to find her asshole. -Your mom is so fat, when she falls out of bed she falls on both sides. -Your mom is so fat, when she wears a yellow coat she looks like a school bus. -Your mom is so fat, she has her own zip code. -Your mom is so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: California, Nevada, Arizona... -Your mom is so fat, when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up. -Your mom is so fat, when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house. -Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the beach, people yell out, "Whale Sighting!" -Your mom is so fat, we get a

You know your joke is bad when.... - All the comments rated -2 or less are the ones that say they actually like it. - There AREN'T any comments at all. - People ask if you are boring in real life. - It was so "not funny", that it was actually funny. And last but not least - There are absolutly NO duplicates of your joke because it was so bad. (I wonder if I can say the same for this)

what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN? All the information you want, but you can't understand it!

If you met your wife on a hunting trip you just might be a redneck.