One day there is a well-educated man sitting in a redneck bar reading a book. A Redneck happens to wander over to him and asks, "Whatcha there reading Mister?" The educated man replies, "It's a book about logic". Confused, the redneck replies "Logic? What's logic?" The educated man explains to the man, "Logic is the ability to come to a conclusion knowing only one fact. For example, do you own a weed whacker?" The Redneck shouts, "Hell yeah I own a weed whacker!" So the educated man continues, "Well, if you have a weed whacker, and I know you have a weed whacker, I know you have a lawn. If I know you have a lawn I know you have a house. If you have a house, demographically speaking I ca

You're so broke, your bologna doesn't have a first name.

Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical carefor you and your entire family. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance,and have an accident. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural UnitedStates thing. You would not understand, pal." Demand classes on American c

One drunk to another: "Have you ever been so drunk you'd kiss a woman's stomach?" Second drunk: "I've been drunker than that!"

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time... Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud. When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places. Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!" Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. "

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator 2. Where to Find the Toys in the Oven 3. 101 Games to Play in the Road 4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork 5. Your Nightmares are Real 6. Monsters Killed Grandpa 7. All Guns Squirt Water 8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite 9. If it's Storming out, the Best Place to Take Shelter is under a Tree 10. Dad's New Wife Robert

A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, "I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first." The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

BE SURE THAT THERE IS A PROBLEM. One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a showoff refusing to

A handsome gentleman gets in an accident and finds himself in hospital soon after recovering. Shocked, he asks the nurse how he got there and if he has all his body parts on. "You only lost your arms, sir, but you will be ok," was her reply. Very disappointed that he had lost part of his life, he decides to throw himself over the hospital on the last block but as he is about to do that, he notices someone on the street in the same situation, but he was dancing vigorously. He decides to find out how he keeps happy in such a situation. "Buddy, tell me what is your secret to happiness," he said. "You've got no idea what it takes to scatch myself. My chest is itchy."

You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker. It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.

Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician