There were two groups of people. The first one was of a taxi driver who was driving at a high speed that all the passengers knelt and prayed. The second was of a priest who was preaching but boring the people to the extent that they started walking out. WHO BROUGHT PEOPLE CLOSER TO GOD? The taxi-driver.

Room service? Send up a larger room. Who are you going to believe; me, or your own eyes? A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A well-endowed university student was always being teased by her sorority sisters for being a size 36DD. One night, at a fraternity party, a young man asked her what she would like to drink. "I'll have a diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be the double D," he said. Furious, the girl wondered which one of her so-called friends had divulged such personal information. "And just what do you mean by that?" she snapped. Confused by her angry response, the man stammered, "You know, the designated driver."

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.

You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When... People wonder, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale". Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. Baptism is referred to as "branding". People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yah hear?"

A king and a queen were ruling a kingdom together, but they weren't friends at all. The king hated the queen, and the queen hated the king. The queen had a disorder, which had no name. When you asked her a two-way question (e.g. true or false) she will answer the word she heard last, so if you ask her, "Do you need water to live, true/false," you know what she'll answer. The city they ruled over was a bad city, there were crimes almost every hour. They had to be responsible over the town. One day, someone murdered the King's son, and was trying to find out who had done it. He announced to the town, "The one who killed my son, will be hanged, no matter who you are!" People searched and se

The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe." The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000." The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"

If I ever need a good laugh....Yo Momma

Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.

Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?

A blonde has just inherited a Ranch but only had two horses. The problem was she couldn't tell them apart. So she goes to her neighbor rancher and asks for help. He suggests cutting ones tail a bit shorter then the other. She does it but then a week later she comes back and tells the neighbor rancher that it grew back. So he tells her to tie a different colored string around one of the horses neck. She does it but a week later the tie slips off and she has to go back to the neighbor. So he suggest she paint a different color spot on each of the horses. She does and comes back a week later with cookies. She tells the neighbor rancher, "Here I baked these for you. Your plan worked perfectly.

Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their pockets? A. So they can smell like old blondes.