Q: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Go to the theatre."

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic thing. Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary ''Haven't I seen you before?'' = ''Nice ass.'' ''I'm a Romantic.'' = ''I'm poor.'' ''I need you.'' = ''My hand is tired.'' ''I am different from all the other guys.'' = ''I am not circumcised.'' ''I want a commitment.'' = ''I'm sick of masturbation.'' ''You're the only girl I've ever cared about.'' = ''You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.'' ''I really want to get to know you better.'' = ''So I can tell my friends about it.'' ''It's just orange juice, try it.'' = ''3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.'' ''She's kinda cute.'' = ''I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.'' ''I don't

Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!! Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!" The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know ho

One dog said to her pups, "Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though."

Yo Mama So Ugly... she put the Boogie man outta business. she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..." when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals' she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure! minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said, "Yes, now let's go and bury her..." they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies. when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote! your Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesn't have to k