Popular Jokes
A rich Chinese family (a 36 year old dad, a 36 year old mom, and a 2 year old son) was flying in their private jet.
It ran out of fuel, and there were only two parachutes. The parents decided they could always have another son, so they grabbed the parachutes and jumped off.
When they got home, they saw their son sitting on their porch. "How the hell did you get here? And before us?" the dad said, confused.
The little boy stood up and said,
"Me Chinese, me think fast, me hold on to daddy's ass.
He make fart, I go zoom, that's how I get home so soon!"
These are phrases found on funny T-shirts:
*(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me!
* He did it -->
*The leprechauns are after my stash.
*I do what the voices tell me to do...
*Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
*See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK.
*I bet you were an ugly baby.
*(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people...
*I didn't do it.
*(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw.
*(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly...
*He farted -->
*(Picture of gas station) I have gas!
*(Squirrels) Protect your nuts.
*I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
*Help! I talk too much!
*(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me
A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.
He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"
Perhaps the Most Truthful: on Microsoft marketing:
"There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go."
Not on his mind while developing Win9X..circa 1981...
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
On the solid code base of Win9X... thanks WPW!
"If you can't make it good, at least make it look good."
from "OS/2 Programmer's Guide" (forward by Bill Gates):
"I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs."
Bill Gates, Free Market and the LA Times Tha
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again.
Thanks Andrew!
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