50° Fahrenheit (10° C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. 35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C) - Italian Cars won't start. Canadians drive withthe windows down. 32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season -60° Fahrenheit (-51° C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. -100° Fahrenheit (-73° C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadianspull down their ear flaps. -173° Fahrenheit (-114° C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. -460°

Enter this old elementary school story onto your calculator fun a cheap laugh - the numbers or signs that you should enter are in quotes. Once upon a time, there was an old lady who was "69" years old. She had always thought that her boobs were "222" (too too too) big. So she went to "51" (fifty-first) street to see Doctor "X" "8" times. When she came back, she was...*turn calculator upside-down and read*

Toothbrush: "I have the dirtiest job in the world" Toilet Paper: "Yeah...right"

Yo Momma so fat you were born in the middle of the ocean!

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the ha

Knock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not?

Remember when ram meant just a male sheep And bugs and worms were just things that creep? When a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters And virus were microbes that gave one the shivers? When a web was a sticky net that housed a spider And nets were just strings all woven together? When surfing was just riding an ocean wave And a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave? When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown And hackers were people who slashed things down? When menus and servers were all about eating And addresses and homes were places for living? When Archie and Veronica were actually people And trolls were pests that were considered mythical? When mud was just slime an

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person sho

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country. I wonder what it means... 1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head) 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) 3. Multiply by 80 4. Add 1 5. Multiply by 250 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. 8. Subtract 250 9. Divide number by 2 Do you recognize the answer?

1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms 2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted 3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter 4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death 5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus

What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. - Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." - Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman People are always asking couples who