Three little boys went into a candy store. "I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth, but he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy. "What will you have?" he asked. "I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy. "You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man. "No, sir," answered the third boy, so the man climbed down and put away

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10. Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the

Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was o.k. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said o.k.. After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop....Acts 2:38!" (Turn from your sin). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!"

Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten. WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work any more, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8) "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5) WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "You should never kiss a

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!

One day, a man held a contest. The winner would be who could get the most ping pong balls in one day. The first man comes back with 100. The second man comes back with 110. The third man comes back with a whole ton of bruises. The men ask him why he didn't collect any ping pong balls and why he was bruised. He said, "Ping pong balls? I thought he said King Kong's balls!

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

There was a young hooker named Gail whose price was tattooed on her tail. And on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same information in Braille.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.