Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I wi

Yo Momma's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear!

Knock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not?

1. On a mall child's cart bag Do not put child in bag (Who does?) 2. On food court restaurant counters Warning: Touching hot surfaces may burn you (Wanna try?) 3a. Bush on war in Iraq "We're not going to have any casualties." (Where are we now, huh?) 3b. Bush's description of the White House "It is white." (WOW! Who knew???) 3c. Our future "The future will look better tommorow." (That settles it, we're all gonna die.)

A young boy called to his mother from the yard, "Mom, would you rather me fall out of a tree and break my arm or just tear a hole in my Sunday slacks?" "Well," she replied, "I guess I'd pray that you just ripped your pants." The kid yells back, "Your prayers have been answered!"

One day St. Peter visited Hell to make certain that the sinners were being adequately punished. During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling. "I don't understand," sasid St. Peter. "How can you smile when you'll be spending all of eternity in excrement?" Hitler replied, "I'm smiling because I'm standing on Mussolini's shoulders."

How many men does it take to find anything? Zero. They have to ask a woman 1st and then after she tells them exactly where it is for the umpteenth time & they still can't find it..... The now exasperated woman goes & gets it for them in the exact place she has told them it was. Duh!!!

You know you're a video game freak if ... You hire a babysitter to watch your video games. When you go swimming you put your nintendo D.S. in the glove box so no one will try to commit a felony and try to steal it. You cry when your data gets deleted. When you lose a disc you blame everyone you can so you can be in denial. You have every system since the pong game. You know who and when created all of your games. You are eaisly entertained when you hear that the nintendo stock market raises. You talk to your friends for two hours discussing which is better: Age of mythology or Age of Empires, only to come to the conclusion that you're eating pizza tonight to discuss it deeper. When

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country. I wonder what it means... 1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one in your head) 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) 3. Multiply by 80 4. Add 1 5. Multiply by 250 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. 8. Subtract 250 9. Divide number by 2 Do you recognize the answer?

Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber pole. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup truck carrying the barber pole. They kept getting stopped by the police, who were sure they had stolen the pole. But each time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought the pole from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston, saying that if police saw two students driving around with a barber pole, they should leave them alone. The next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - she is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - she is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - she is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - she is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - she wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - she is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - she engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - she is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - she is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock." She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!" He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."