A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that fucking wall!"

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "It's Cool Whip time!" "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long

1. Happy aniversery! 2. Do I look fat in this? 3. Heres 100 dollars! Buy whatever you want. 4. I think im pregnant. 5. Do you wanna come shopping with me and my friends? We're going to Victoria's Secret. 6. I'm cheating on you with 1 other man and 2 women. 7. Hunney... can we not do it tonight. I'm just not in the mood. 8. Do you just wanna go on a vacation just me and you? We can go to the Bahamas! 9. I'm sorry. 10. Whenever you wanna get divorced just tell me.

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer doesn't go that high. 5) Touch him. 6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 8) Refer to him by his first name. 9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 10) When he says no, cry. 11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 13) If he asks you to st

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to

A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn't find a urinal anywhere. He couldn't hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. "What do you think you are doing?" asked the constable. "I want to pee," replied the visitor. "I am from Pakistan and I don't know where to go. Please help me out." The constable ordered, "OK, follow me. I'll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like." He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he

The zoology teacher asked a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum." He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum."

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home." Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL".

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.