As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up

One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...."

A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, "If anything should go wrong--" "Nothing will go wrong," said the Hindu. "But if it does, God will save me." "Not a chance," the Buddhist said, "Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature." The Hindu scoffed at this. The pair leaped out of the plane. Halfway down, they discovered that their parachutes wouldn't open. "My God!" screamed the Hindu. "Save me!" But he continued to plummet. Just then he heard the Buddhist say, "I call upon my own Essential Buddha Nature." Immediately, a giant hand came out of nowhere, cradled the Buddhist in its palm and gently began loweri

A lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack. A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost. "Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it down." The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," says the guy. The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.

A man was riding in a cab one day when he decided to tap the cab driver on the shoulder to request an alternate route. The cab driver screams his head off and loses control of the cab, causing it to slam into a lightpost. After checking themselves out the man says, "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were so jumpy." To which the cab driver replies, "It's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver after driving a hearse for 10 years."

President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, "Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face." "Yes, sir," one of the girls said. "Then why is it," he continued, "that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run to my feet?" "Because your feet aren't empty," replied a boy in the back of the room.

Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers.

A man and his doctor are discussing a surgery the man will soon undergo. The doctor asks if there are any last questions. "Doctor, will I be able to play my violin after this surgery?" "Of course! Why would you think you couldn't?" "I couldn't play it before."

This guy sits down at the bar, and starts telling the bartendar, "I've been married for 12 years now and I want some variety. I'm sick of the same old thing! I want something different!" The bartendar says, "12 years thats a long time, you don't want to do anything stupid! Hell, if ya want something different just flip her over!" The man replies, "What? And have a houseful of kids!"

Which comes first, Ben-Gay or Preparation H? Ben-Gay. After you have been gay, you'll need the Preparation H.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

You might be a redneck if you list your dog or cat as a dependent on your taxes. You might be a redneck if you have never been on a main road. You might be a redneck if you drive a minivan to the prom. You might be a redneck if the most expensive jewelery you have came from Dollar General.