Popular Jokes
Man 1: "My budgie lays square eggs!"
Man 2: "Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?"
Man 1: "Yes, but only one word."
Man 2: "What's that?"
Man 1: "Ouch!"
One day a priest had a doctor's appointment and needed someone to cover for him at the confessional, so he calls over an old school chum of his who happens to be a rabbi.
The rabbi had no idea what to do but agreed to cover for the priest. The priest needed to show the rabbi how everything worked, so when the first person came in the priest said, "What is your sin my son?"
The man said "I've commited adultery."
The priest asks, "How many times?"
The man says, "3 times."
The priest replies, "Do 10 Hail Marys, then put $5 in the donation box."
Then the second man comes in and says he committed adultery also. When asked how many times he said 3. The priest replied again, "Do 10 Hail Marys then
There once was a redneck and his redneck wife. The wife didn't want another child, and asked the redneck husband to get surgery so he can't impregnate his wife.
The redneck goes to a very expensive doctor. The doctor who is in a hurry and is sure the redneck can't pay for his operation, just hands the redneck a firecracker and says, "Light this, hold it, count to 10." The redneck is confused but the doctor seems to know what he's doing.
The redneck goes home and lights the firecracker. He starts counting with the aid of his fingers... "1...2...3...4...5..." The redneck pauses, puts the firecracker between his legs and resumes counting on the other hand....
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzip
How do you confuse a stupid person?
Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo
You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants.
Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor.
You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home.
Your family tree is a wreath.
If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not.
Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family."
The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is.
Fortunately, I love money.
-- Jackie Mason
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