You're a redneck if: The only thing you swing a bat at is a mailbox.

Q: How many polititians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 6 Clinton to start the screwing enitiative, Nixon to steal public tax money to campain for the support of the light bulb initiative, Jimmy Carter to bore people to death about the campain Reagan to reasure the American public that it is necesary and ok to change the light bulb Bush jr. to make a mess of the initiative........ .........and Hillary to come smack the s#%@ out of her husband for screwing around!!!

You're a.. January- talented February- lowlife March- immature April- wild May- exciting June- weird July- selfish August- hot September- scary October- messed up November- cool December-sexy Now pick the color shirt you have on Pink- cupcake sales person Blue- hooker Red- bartender Green- Celebrity Purple- Mc Donalds worker White- slut Yellow- taxi driver Black- chef Orange- homeless Gray- stripper No shirt- millionare Other- toe nail clipper LAST...the day you were born 1- that loves food 2- that hates kids 3- that needs attention 4- that is a murderer 5- who sucks at reading 6- who strips to pay for bills 7- who kills kids 8- who goes to dunkin donuts everyday 9- that loves laguna

1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet? 2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know 3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please

If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"

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15 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 6. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 7. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 8. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 9. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 10. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 11. You can have chocolate

At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY, Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot selling bumper sticker comes from the great state of New York! "RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale. Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels. For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed. Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi. Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for

Knock,knock! Who's there? King! King who? King Kong is now part of China.

Yo momma is so ghetto, both she and her dog have weave.

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of t