Knock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up!

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don't forget the coffee!"

1. Blow out a huge depressed fart and blame it on the person next to you out loud. 2. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 3. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 4. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 5. Meow occasionally. 6. Show other passengers a rash on your genitals and ask if it looks infected. 7. Leave a box between the doors. 8. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 9. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?' 10. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker. It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.

Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet!

How do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33; still lived at home; thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.

One day, a little Indian boy came up to an old man in the village (In the Indian heritage, the oldest are most wise). The little boy asks, "How do we Indians get their names? Like... Blackhawk, or Redeyes?" The old man says, "Well, actually, when they are born, the first thing we see is what we name them." "Oh! Okay, thanks!" says the little boy. "Any more questions, Two Dogs Fucking?"

A cannibal went to a brain store one day because he was craving brains. he decided he wanted to try a musician's brains to see if they taste any different. He looked around and saw the prices. Trumpet Brains-$25.00/pound Trombone Brains-$1.00/pound Percussion Brains- 10.00/pound Tuba Brains-$0.50/pound Colorguard Brains-$0.25/pound Clairinet Brains-$1000.00/pound Flute Brains-$0.50/pound So the cannibal turned and saw a man that worked there. He said to the guy: "Why are the clarinet brains so expensive?" The man replied "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CLAIRINET PLAYERS YOU HAVE TO KILL TO GET ONE POUND OF BRAINS?"

You are a redneck if: Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend.

You're a.. January- talented February- lowlife March- immature April- wild May- exciting June- weird July- selfish August- hot September- scary October- messed up November- cool December-sexy Now pick the color shirt you have on Pink- cupcake sales person Blue- hooker Red- bartender Green- Celebrity Purple- Mc Donalds worker White- slut Yellow- taxi driver Black- chef Orange- homeless Gray- stripper No shirt- millionare Other- toe nail clipper LAST...the day you were born 1- that loves food 2- that hates kids 3- that needs attention 4- that is a murderer 5- who sucks at reading 6- who strips to pay for bills 7- who kills kids 8- who goes to dunkin donuts everyday 9- that loves laguna

1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet? 2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know 3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please