Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

This Is A True Senior's Moment: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last

Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen: Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture. Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays. Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?) Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!) You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors. Baldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools. Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

The Declarizzle of Independence of tha Thirteen Colonies In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776 The unanimous Declarizzles of tha thirteen united States of America, W-H-to-tha-izzen in tha Course of human events, it becomes necessary fo` one thugz ta Dissolve tha politizzles bands which hizzle connected thizzem wit motherfucka n ta Assume among tha powa of tha earth, tha separate n equal station ta whizzay The Laws of Nature n of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect ta tha Opinions of mankind requires that tizzle should declare tha causes which impel Them ta tha separizzles. We hold these truths ta be self-evizzles that all men is created equal, that They is endowed by they Creator wit cert

These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really brin

A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands. The Mexican says, "At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry." The New Yorker says, "My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees." At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, "Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!" The redneck says, "Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands."

U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day. "Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," pointedly replied the First Lady. The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, "Does each rooster service the same hen each time?" "No," replied the farmer, "there are many hens for each rooster." "Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.

Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped."

How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will be her response? "Is it mine?"

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.