A wealthy Australian man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Dingo along for company. One day, the Dingo starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep poop now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halt

Once upon a time 5 Indians captured 3 Americans and they said to go get fruit or they'll beat them up. The 1st guy comes back with apples and the Indians tell him to shove 10 apples up his butt. He says "Ok - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." then he dies and goes to Heaven. The 2nd guy comes back with oranges and he was told the same. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9..." then he bursts out laughing and laughs himself to death and he goes to Heaven. The 2 guys meet in Heaven and the 1st one says "why did you stop? you were so close!" "Because I saw the 3rd guy, he had pineapples!!!"

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell me your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ... 22!" The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two." This isn't looking good, so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name, p

A genetic scientist managed to create dolphins that would live to 250 years of age - if they were fed seagulls. One day the scientist's supply of gulls ran out, so he went out to trap some more. On the way back, he came upon two sleeping lions. Not wanting to wake the big cats, he gingerly stepped over them and was promptly arrested for... Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises!

Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles her mouth looks like its throwin' up gang signs. Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice. Yo mama's got one tooth and people call her chomper. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, when she smiles it looks like her tongue is in jail. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she needs a map to find her tongue. Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, she uses them to cut chain at the hardware store. Yo mama's gold tooth is so fake, her whole mouth turned green. Yo mama's got two gold teeth, one says 24k and the other says "Believe that shit if you want to." Yo mama's teeth look like Honey Smacks. Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/he's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way,

One very loooooong summer day, not so long ago, a guy was driving down a long and never-ending road, when he noticed a sign that said Ten miles ahead Sisters of Mercy brothel. The guy really confused by somewhat intrigued decides that it is weird but if it were true he might check it out. Later down the road he finds the same sign but it reads five miles ahead the Sisters of Mercy brothel. So now the guys decides that he is definitely going to stop at the brothel five miles down the road. FIVE MILES LATER... He drives into a parking lot in front of a small windowless building with one door that says entrance to the Sisters of Mercy brothel. He gets up to the door and on the doorknob "

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short. The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Ulaiy (A-lie). After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!", he said enthusiastically. "Why are you going to have that?" asked his friend. "Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see... 'Here Lies The Body of an Honest Lawyer', they'll say "Yeah, that's Ulaiy".

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I have several degrees."

During the church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob." The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."