Popular Jokes
There were three boys with names Shutup, Manners and Trouble. They were walking around town when they realized Trouble was missing. Shutup and Manners searched and searched but failed to find the missing boy. At a lost, they went up to the Neighbourhood Police Post. Manners had to go to the toilet so Shutup went up and spoke to the policeman there.
Policeman=P Shutup=S
P: Hi little boy, what's your name?
S: Shutup
P: What a rude boy! Where are your manners?
S: At the toilet
P: What are you talking about? Are you looking for trouble here?
S: Yes
What exactly does the government do?
They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.
One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?"
I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
One day a cat comes walking by meowing, "I can't do anything right." So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, "Why are you crying?" "Because I can't do anything right." So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.
How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on business. As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michae
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is d
Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI:
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.
QUE SERA SERF:
Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI:
The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS:
I am three years old.
HASTE CUISINE:
Fast Fren
A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn't find a urinal anywhere.
He couldn't hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. "What do you think you are doing?" asked the constable.
"I want to pee," replied the visitor. "I am from Pakistan and I don't know where to go. Please help me out."
The constable ordered, "OK, follow me. I'll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like." He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he
Bread Is Dangerous
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as litt
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