Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."

A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

What's the difference between men and women? Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!

"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor. "He went twice!"

The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls: SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador Retriever.

Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."

HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer 4. Arrives at destination presently. HIS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. 3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window 5. Hocks a loogie 6. Pulls up to a 7 -11 7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky 8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Farts 11. After he closes the door. 12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. 13. Driv

Seeing her son is still in bed, Mary goes to wake him up for school. When she wakes him up he says, "But I don't want to go to school mom." Mary quite annoyed at this childlike behaviour says, "Well why not? You have to go." The son replies, "But I don't like it. The kids are mean to me, the teachers hate me, and everyone makes fun of me." Mary calmly replies, "I'm sorry son. But you MUST go to school!." The son says, "But whyyyy?" Mary annoyed at the delay says, "Because you're the damn principal!"

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny." "Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked

A man and a woman are having an affair. One day, the woman's husband comes home early from work. To avoid being caught, the cheating man runs over to hide in the closet. As he closes the door he hears a little voice say, "It's dark in here." This startles the man, and he looks down to see the woman's son. He then asks, "You're not going to say anything, right kid?" The boy says, "You know, I could really use a new baseball glove," to which the man replies, "Ok, ok here's $25 if you keep quiet." "You got a deal mister," the boy says, and he leaves the closet. The next week, the woman's husband comes home again. As the cheater goes into a closet, he hears a voice say, "It's dark in

A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry we dont serve bears here." The bear, upset, says angrily, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!" The bartender says, "Go ahead, I don't care." The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender. The bear goes and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else." The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here." The bear goes, "What? I'm not on drugs!" The bartender says, "What about the barbituate?"