Good Ev'nin America! I, George Dubya Bush, confess that I wrote the Shakespeare plays. First of all, I'm very intellentifull. I didn't mean to confusinate you, but I'm just that smart. Do not misunderestimate me because I can't prononunce n-n-n-uclar -you know what I mean. Shakespeare was in my axis of evil, so I wrote the plays. I mean, who would write plays like "A Homedy of Terrors, Nothing to Say about Something, The Naming of my Poo, Porklet, and A Late Winter's Ice Cream?" I must also give credit to my Secretary of State, Donald Rumpelstiltskin for playing an interceptun on my fumble.

If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck.

What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation? "GO SCREW YOURSELF!"

Here is a list of the ways professors grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will recei

Definitions For Parents ----------------------------------------------------------- DUMB WAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our childr

You Know You're A Mom When... * Your feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care. * When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding. * You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket. * You spend an entire week wearing sweats. * Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you. * Popsicles become a food staple. * Your favorite television show is a cartoon. * Peanut butter and jelly is eaten in at least one meal a day. * You'

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chi

Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you care?

"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" - Asked of a waitress. "Just the chicken." The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup. "Would you like cream and sugar with that?" - Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal. "Do you want cheese on that?" - Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger. "You want fries with that?" - Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover. "Do you want onions on that?" - A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola. "Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?" "Do you get rice with your fried rice?" "I'm sorry, we o

I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam. I love this Work

After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling: BFD Vending Service Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending serve -We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days. -We are waiting for the weekend. -We are out of items that have expired. -We're busy, don't bother us about this. -We don't care. -We are aware that the price for you seems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living. -We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age. -We charge others more. -We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aw

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'