Oedipus was a real motherfucker.

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won't fit in printer!!! March – Got really excited . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said "2-4 years!" April – Trapped on escalator for hours . . .power went out!!! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid . . .wrong instructions . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June – Tried to go water skiing . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August – Got locked

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... then it dawned on me. Reading a book on levitation... couldn't put it down. I should have been sad when I lost my flashlight... but I was de-lighted. I was wondering why the frisbee got bigger as it got closer to me... then it hit me. I gave away dead batteries... free of charge! I had amnesia once... maybe twice. See more: http://punraccoon.tumblr.com/

Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.

A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him. To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking. The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass." The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look." The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work. 10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."

As an architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car, a surgeon, waiting for his own car to be repaired, walked over. They introduced themselves, and began talking about their lines of work. "You know," said the architect, "I sometimes believe a mechanic's work is as complicated as the work that we do." "Perhaps," the surgeon commented. "But let's see him do it with the engine running."

Saddam and an American were in the bathroom peeing in the urinals. When the American was done, he was going to leave without washing his hands. Saddam said, "You know, I learned to wash my hands." The American replied, "Well, I learned not to pee on my hands."

Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story: That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I u

"Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy..." Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story, so Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point Mummy cut him off and says, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny sta

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. "It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments lat

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'' The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?'' ''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.'' The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?'' The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.'' ''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?'' ''Yeah, he's my dad.'' ''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?'' The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?'' The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.'' ''