January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels . . . Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won't fit in printer!!! March – Got really excited . . . finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months . . . box said "2-4 years!" April – Trapped on escalator for hours . . .power went out!!! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid . . .wrong instructions . . . 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June – Tried to go water skiing . . . couldn't find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition . . . learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August – Got locked

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... then it dawned on me. Reading a book on levitation... couldn't put it down. I should have been sad when I lost my flashlight... but I was de-lighted. I was wondering why the frisbee got bigger as it got closer to me... then it hit me. I gave away dead batteries... free of charge! I had amnesia once... maybe twice. See more: http://punraccoon.tumblr.com/

Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys.

Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.

A well dressed man walks into a bar in a rather rough side of town. The bartender watches to make sure no fights break out with him. To the bartenders suprise, the man starts hitting his hand like hes dialing a telephone. He puts his hand to his ear and starts talking. The bartender goes over to him and says, "What are you crazy? People see you doing that, they'll kick your ass." The man replies, "No, no it's the state of the art telephone built into my hand. Here have a look." The bartender has a nice chat with his mom on the mans hand and says, "wow, that's impressive." Then goes back to work. 10 minutes later the man goes into the bathroom and a bunch of gang-bangers go in after him. The

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you''ve been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her ''round, but could not catch her No kinky

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners. Entry # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a letter given the choice of how to be blown.

Two men were sitting by the swimming pool at a nudist colony when they noticed a beautiful young woman walking towards the pool. Her tan lines traced the outline of a tiny bathing suit with elaborately criss-crossed straps across the back. "I'll bet she looks great in that suit," one of the men said wistfully.

Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here...."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him the price is $3. The man pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender replies, "Sorry I can't accept that." The man then pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender refuses to accept it. The man finally pulls out a $5 bill and gives it to the bartender. The bartender once again refuses to accept it. When the man asks the bartender why he won't accept any of the bills the man is giving him, the bartender replies, "Sorry sir, this is a singles bar."