In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General. "I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced. In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter. Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Go

There was a woman who came home from work. She had a very long day and just wanted to relax. Just as she was about to sit down, the phone rang. "Hello?" she said as she picked it up. "Are you married?" the voice said. "Who is this?" she asked. No answer. She hung up the phone. Just as she was about to sit down again, the phone rang. "Hello?" she said, picking up the phone again. "Do you have children?" the voice said. "Who the crap is this?" she said No answer. She hung up the phone. Just as she was about to sit down AGAIN, the phone rang AGAIN. "HELLO?!?!?!" she yelled, "Now this is it, if you don't tell me who you are, I am going to call the police!" "Ma'am you seem frustrated, w

Rainch - A big cow farm. Rat - Do it rat now! Rench - Rench the soap yourself. Roont - She plum roont her shoes. Salary - A stringy vegetable. Soardeens - Small canned fish. Shar - A light rain. Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain. Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody. Pop - A soft drink. Sprang - Water out'n the ground. Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail. Storch - This here aprn has too much storch in it. Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death. Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart. Tho - Tho me the ball. Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat. War - A bobbed war fance. Worsh - Go worsh your face. Warter - What you worsh your face in. Yurp - A continent overseas.

If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? "It's running down my leg."

Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??

14. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor; then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast. 12. Take in a wineskin filled with water. Stand and slowly squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh. 11. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuousl

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him, "What's your newt's name?" and the man replies, "Tiny" and the bar tender says, "Why is he called Tiny?" and the man replies, "Because he is minute." (minute means small)

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Mobile, Alabama to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please...while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Well done - Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

Yo mama is so nasty she's got to pour sand down her pants to keep the crabs happy!