A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!" A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops p

A gladiator was having a rough day at the arena-his opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he fought on, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, the gladiator had no choice but to give up. He was now both unarmed and defeated.

These are some real people's names, and what they grew up to be. They are all true: 1.) Iccolo Miccolo played the piccolo for the Los Angeles Philharmonic Orchestra. 2.) H.M. Balmer was a funeral director in Fort Collins, Colorado. 3.) Miss Birdie Snyder married C. Canary and became Birdie Canary. 4.) Perhaps it was best to ignore the orders of Dr. Besick, a doctor in Chicago, Illinois. 5.) The Clipper brothers worked as barbers in Bakersfield, California. 6.) Mr. Thrift of Keepit, Australia, won the $30,000 first prize in a lottery. 7.) D. Sharp was a radio tenor. 8.) Dr. H.A. Toothacre worked as dentist for the Burlington, Iowa, Independent School District. 9.) B.F. Parsons was a

In Fahrenheits... 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shi

SHOTGUN RULES: Ever have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don't know the rules. Section I - General Rules 1) The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat. 2) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc.. 3) The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note:

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So, the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that, and what are you praying for?"The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and

You Know You've Been In College Too Long When... * You consider McDonald's "real food." * You actually like doing laundry at home. * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. * It starts getting late on the weeknights. * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. * You'd rather clean than study. * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. * Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life. * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps. * You know the pizza boy by name. * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. * You live for getting mail. (E-ma

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked the problem on his calculator (he KNEW he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You

Save the trees - wipe your arse with an owl. "My point-and-click interface is an Uzi submachine gun." Saint Michael - patron saint of underpants I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared. I'm completely sane, according to the voices in my head. My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. Skiing is for people who can't just break their legs around the house. Penguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much cos they all look alike. Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever! If I were a recovering s*x addict, I'd opt for group therapy. "I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family." "Secre

How do you know Adam wasnt black? Have you ever tried to take a rib away from a black man? How do you know when Mexicans are illegal? When you scream "La Migra", and everybody is gone in less than a minute. How do you know when a white guy's family is really white? When he tries to be black or mexican.