1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for. 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. 6. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment. Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without their middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. The longbow was a famous weapon. It was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated Fren

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

What's grosser than gross? When you find a used tampon in your ketchup bottle.

A man and his wife are in the bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" He turns to her and says, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. He replies, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes," she said. He then replies, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing he remembers. . . .

What you call a man with no arms and no legs at a work-out place? Jim What you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door? Matt What you call a man with no arms and no legs in your bathroom? John What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a trench? Phil What you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pit? Doug What you call a man with no arms and no legs with a cat? Tom What you call a girl with one leg? Ilene What you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene What do you call a pig with no legs? Groundhog

One day a blonde was in a store, and saw a sign advertising a huge TV sale. She goes up to the salesman, and points to a shelf and says, "I want to buy that TV." The man says "No." The blonde, assuming its because he hates blondes, goes home and dyes her hair brown. She goes back to the store and asks again, only to again be told again, "No." She goes home dies her hair black, and returns yet again. She asks for the TV, and is told "No, go home you blonde!" So she finally snaps and cries, "I've died my hair twice!How the hell do you know I'm blonde?" The salesman replies, "That's a microwave."

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart c

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind. 18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 17. It's a game of inches. 16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow. 13. He found his tight end. 12. End around. 11. He had to stretch to get it in. 10. He gets penetration in the backfield. 9. He blows them off (at the line). 8. He bangs it in. 7. He could go all the way. 6. He gets it off just in time. 5. He goes deep. 4. He found a hole and slid through it. 3. He pounds it in. 2. He beats th

1. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. 3. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 4. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 5. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. 6. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake

If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat? Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.

Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son". The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother." The priest says,"Take one sip of holy water." The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest asks, "What have you done bad in your life son?" The boy responds with, "I've stolen something". The priest says "Take two sips of holy water." After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off. So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son" The boy responds with, "I peed in the holy water."