Popular Jokes
Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."
With the daily time taken working on computers, avoiding things like RSI and any strain related illnesses is crucial to maintaining a healthy working environment. The following excercise has been devised by medical experts in the field of RSI research to ensure that if performed, will place the exerciser in a position of minimal risk. Simply follow the on-screen instructions.
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Microsoft Vs. General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would the be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on
The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. "Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin."
The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, "Put your mummy where your mouse is."
A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Little Johnny kept spelling the word "went" wrong, instead he spelt "whent". His teacher, who was very fusterated, decided to keep him after class to spell "went" 100 times.
The next day she comes into the classroom, thinking he learned his lesson, and sees the whole board is full of the word "went".
But at the end...
"I wrote "went" 50 times, then I ran out of space, so I whent home"
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The only "A+" in the class read:
"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
+ You dance and it makes the band skip.
+ You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
+ You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
+ Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
+ You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
+ You could sell shade.
+ Your blood type is Ragu.
+ You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of "over 50" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money.
Her requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin.
The lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman.
After much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was lo
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