Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess." Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?" Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.' 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad. 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing. 6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's. 5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same buil

A rich Chinese family (a 36 year old dad, a 36 year old mom, and a 2 year old son) was flying in their private jet. It ran out of fuel, and there were only two parachutes. The parents decided they could always have another son, so they grabbed the parachutes and jumped off. When they got home, they saw their son sitting on their porch. "How the hell did you get here? And before us?" the dad said, confused. The little boy stood up and said, "Me Chinese, me think fast, me hold on to daddy's ass. He make fart, I go zoom, that's how I get home so soon!"

Two kangaroos were living in a zoo pen with a 20-foot high fence. One morning, both kangaroos were found wandering around the zoo, and were quickly put back in their pen, and the fence was put up to 30 feet. Next morning, they were found outside again, so the fence was made 40 feet high. The fence got up to 60 feet, and still the kangaroos were outside in the morning. One kangaroo says to the other, "How high will they make this fence, do you think?" "Don't know," says the second. "Depends when they discover they're not locking the gate." An elephant walks into a pub and orders a drink. He's sipping his beer when a man starts playing the piano. The elephant looks over, and bursts into tears

There were 2 men sitting next to each other in a hospital waiting room. Feeling a little akward, one man turns to the other and asks, "So what are you in here for?". Leaning closer to the other man so as to wisper because of embarasment, the first man replies,"I have a green ring around my penis!" Shocked, the second man replies,"that's so weird, I have a red ring around mine." well time passes an the second man gets called into the doctors office. a little while later the man comes out and walks by the first man with a big smile on his face telling him that he was fine and that he will be too. so the first man gets called into the doctors office. the doctor started to examine him. after

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzip

Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings." The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose." The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt." The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?" "No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

You're so ugly that when you entered an ugly contest, out of 10,000 people, you won first place!

These are real labelings on real products that they sell around the world. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how?...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a SUGGESTION.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Hmm, a no go on the dessert) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Really? I thought it would be cold) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (Oh darn, I was going to!) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (That would really brin

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied,"Jesus has it in his offic

What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Eventually.