"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the "Rev" Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "That would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that wou

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his buddies to complete a foursome. His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf. Dick says that he is very good. This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer." Dick says "Yes, he is watch him play." They see the ball come out of the bush on the green. This guy takes two putts to make par. Second hole is par 3. This guy hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies looks at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player. So the guy walks into the the lake. Three minutes later they can't see the guy. All of a

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the groom wearing black?"

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." 3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! 4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 5. Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy there. 6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex? 7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? 8. There go the lights again? 9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. And this guy's got two of 'em." 10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration. 12. What's this doing here? 13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. 14. That's cool

-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. -Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early. -Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. -Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study. -This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. -The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and

Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't