(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.) Me: "Can I help you?" Customer: "Gimme all the f***ing medicine!" (The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.) Me: "The pharmacy is in the back of the store." Customer: "Oh...okay." (He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.) Manager: "Who was that?" Me: "Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy." Manager: "Why didn't you call the police?" (The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year ol

(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.) Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?" Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on." Me: "Thank you, ma'am." Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?" Me: "Uh... took what too far?" Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?" Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that." Customer: *loudly* "Well if you

Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.

Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.

Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

3 guys die in a car wreck and are sent to heaven. At the gates St. Peter asks the three men what they would want their families to say at the funeral. The first man says, "I want them to say I was an excellent husband and a great police officer." The second man says, "I want them to say I was a great husband, a wonderful teacher and that I made a huge difference in their lives." The third man says, "I wish they would say...LOOK! HE'S MOVING!"

Once, in a small town, lived a man named Jack. Everyone in town knew Jack as a very optimistic person. Jack, whenever placed in a terrible situation, would say, "It could have been worse." Everyone in town was tired of hearing Jack say that, so one day they decided to lie to him. They went up to him and said, "Jack, the baker Bob found his wife in bed with another man last night! He shot the man and then himself! Isn't it terrible?" Then Jack said, "Well, yes it's terrible, but it could've been worse!" The townspeople said, "How could that possibly be worse?" Jack replied, "Well, if it had been the night before I would've been dead!"

The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!

Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.