Popular Jokes
Why did the blonde bring sandpaper to the desert?
She needed a map.
Why did the blonde bring a car door to the desert?
If it got hot she could roll the window down.
How did the blonde explain her helicopter crash?
It was getting hot so I turned the ceiling fan off.
What is the latest health epidemic among blondes?
MAIDS. If they don't get one they die.
Why did the blonde wear a condom on each ear?
She didn't want to get hearing AIDS.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; She's got a grenade in her mouth.
Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 6
Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan.
Joan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table...
Save the trees - wipe your arse with an owl.
"My point-and-click interface is an Uzi submachine gun."
Saint Michael - patron saint of underpants
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
I'm completely sane, according to the voices in my head.
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
Skiing is for people who can't just break their legs around the house.
Penguins mate for life. That doesn't surprise me much cos they all look alike.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever!
If I were a recovering s*x addict, I'd opt for group therapy.
"I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family."
"Secre
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split, so ice creamed !
I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER".
But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.
I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix r
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Please tell me how to obey these signs:
All Night Dance Club; NO MUSIC ALLOWED
Public Stairway; Please do not climb on stairs
Country Road; NO PEDESTRIANS OR AUTOMOBILES
A room in a touch-an-feel musem; Do not touch
A seminar for the deaf; Please listen to others
Local bookstore; Feel free to read books in this section, however do not read them in this store
A local carpet store completely covered in rugs; Come in! Please do not step on rugs
And please tell me who wrote these signs.
Jack was living in Arizona, during a heat wave, when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack, as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Q: Where do nudists go fishing?
A: Moon River.
Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York?
A: Frank Sinatra.
Q: What do you call a really smart cow?
A: Grade A beef.
Q: What song do they play at plumbers' funerals?
A: Taps.
Q: Where do you take a sick potato?
A: To a M.A.S.H. unit.
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