A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." - George Carlin How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey My dog is half pit bull, half po

Once in medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "Weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music. Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... an

Wait a second!!! I am NOT a loser! I have tried. I am a failure.

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER". But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates. I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix r

Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Found in micellaneous things. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. I don't have a short attention span, it's just that I- Etc.:a sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise. Without geography, you're nowhere. When someone tells you nothing is impossible, tell him to dribble a football. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernail. Baseball is wrong; man with four balls cannot walk. Man who drives like hell, bound to get there. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Crowded elevator smells different

Knock Knock. Who's there? Wet. Wet who? Wet me in! It's waining!

The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

You Know You're From Connecticut When... You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party. You never went to a bar in high school. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84. You thought everyone couldn't buy beer after 8 pm You actually thought that Hartford was big You or someone you know has attended UCONN You drive a JETTA You still think that the Whalers are cool. You have been to Misquamicut and to that little hot dog place. There is a farm within miles of your house You thought bars were really for people over 21 Your high school thanksgiving football game was the highlight of your school year. You don't have an accent when

Jack was living in Arizona, during a heat wave, when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack, as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money."

Q: Where do nudists go fishing? A: Moon River. Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York? A: Frank Sinatra. Q: What do you call a really smart cow? A: Grade A beef. Q: What song do they play at plumbers' funerals? A: Taps. Q: Where do you take a sick potato? A: To a M.A.S.H. unit.