JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"

The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and to one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: "Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!"

You Know You've Been In College Too Long When... * You consider McDonald's "real food." * You actually like doing laundry at home. * 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends. * It starts getting late on the weeknights. * Two miles is not too far to walk for a party. * You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it. * You'd rather clean than study. * Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal. * Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life. * You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps. * You know the pizza boy by name. * You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark. * You live for getting mail. (E-ma

14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual Munching Spree Puffy Mid-Section People Make Me Sick Provide Me with Sweets Pardon My Sobbing Pimples May Surface Pass My Sweatpants Pissy Mood Syndrome Plainly; Men Suck Pack My Stuff Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here." The Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests." The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?" St. Peter says, "She's furious."

Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet!

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Yo momma is so fat she was runing in the street with a yellow raincoat and the kids thougth they mised the bus.

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

1. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 2. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 3. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 6. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When w