The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

Q: How many polititians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 6 Clinton to start the screwing enitiative, Nixon to steal public tax money to campain for the support of the light bulb initiative, Jimmy Carter to bore people to death about the campain Reagan to reasure the American public that it is necesary and ok to change the light bulb Bush jr. to make a mess of the initiative........ .........and Hillary to come smack the s#%@ out of her husband for screwing around!!!

Yo momma so old, she still owes Moses a dollar.

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. H

- You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top. - Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. - You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. - You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. - You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. - You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. - You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. - There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

Salary Increase "I must have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me." "Really?" the boss asked. "What other companies are after you?" "The gas company, the telephone company, and the electricity company," the man replied.

Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!" "Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around: LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!

A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry. One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffel Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper. His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, "Aunti, why did you come here?" His aunti answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower." The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed." Aunti replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one." The boy ans