A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a teacher," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here." The Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests." The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?" St. Peter says, "She's furious."

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

At the beginning of term, we were supposed to portray what we learned during holidays by acting in a play for the school. Here I was known as the best actress in class so I was given the role of a secondary student who goes out with a rich man's reckless son. During the rehearsals, everything went perfect until the real day on stage. Acting pregnant with clothes stuffed in my dress, I begged the rich man's son not to leave me in such a condition when suddenly my BABY fell out of the TUMMY... I was so embarrassed as the whole school burst out laughing hysterically. But with talent, I knelt down n cried that silence fell upon their heads thinking it was part of the play... I was still vot

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.

Two blondes are filling up at a gas station. The first one says to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going even higher". The second replies, "It won't affect me. I always buy exactly $10 worth".

Knock-Knock. Who's there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.

Ronnie never listens in science class because he says it's boring.. One day his teacher asked, "Ronnie, What are the 3 states of matter?" Since he heard his name he did listen to the question. So he thinks for a second and replies, "Texas, Florida, and Arkansas!"

Mrs. Colter was explaining that there were rules for voting in the United States. "You have to be at least eighteen, you have to be a citizen, and-" John blurts out, "And you can't vote for democrats!"* * All credit for this goes to John Rieger, who wouldn't shut up during sixth period.

The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling

There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says," Good morning ladies."