Popular Jokes
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Cindy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Cindy agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Cindy's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and h
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.
"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
"We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother, and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
"This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son.
"But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. T
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.
"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they te
Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet?
Alvin: 18.
Teacher: Wrong, there are 26.
Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And
Why did the blonde bring sandpaper to the desert?
She needed a map.
Why did the blonde bring a car door to the desert?
If it got hot she could roll the window down.
How did the blonde explain her helicopter crash?
It was getting hot so I turned the ceiling fan off.
What is the latest health epidemic among blondes?
MAIDS. If they don't get one they die.
Why did the blonde wear a condom on each ear?
She didn't want to get hearing AIDS.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell; She's got a grenade in her mouth.
Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 6
Yo momma so ugly her reflection quit.
Yo momma so old that when I slapped her back her boobs fell off.
Yo momma so fat when she stepped in the deepest part of the ocean, she got her foot wet.
Yo momma so old and fat, she told us about the story of how she farted and killed all the dinosaurs.
If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
The Cynic's Guide to Life
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of
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