A man is walking down the street. Further down the street he notices Little Johnny. Little Johnny is sitting in a red wagon, wearing a fireman's hat. The wagon is tied to a dog, by its balls. The man says to LittleJohnny "Little Johnny you could go alot further, if you tied the rope around the dogs neck." Little Johnny replies "If I did that, I wouldn't have a siren"

Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."

Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today."

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt m

How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!

There were three monks and a lady arguing about something that the lady was sure she was correct in, but could not convince the monks otherwise. She then prayed to God and asked for a sign. Lightning hit and she said, "Is that enough proof for you?" They replied that lightning strikes all the time and is a natural occurrence. She asked for another sign, and lightning struck a nearby tree; again, they denounced her, saying that it was a natural occurrence. She asked again and a voice rumbled from the sky saying, "SHEEEEE'S RIIIIGHTTTT!" She then thought she had beaten them, when one of them said, "Well, it's still three to two."

Two Frenchmen came to New York for a vacation. The first thing they did leaving the hotel was to buy an American-French dictionary. Without a guide, they decided to learn English word by word in the simplest way they could think of -- continuously browsing through the dictionary, picking at random a certain word and look up its definition. So they went into a coffee shop and started off right away. The first word they came upon happened to be "Ouch" which was defined as "an interjection used to express a mixed feeling of surprise, sudden pain and anger." It was then that they suddenly realized they did not have the slightest idea what those cryptic pronunciation symbols might sound like. Th

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D."Fractured English.") - By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. - Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. - The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet. - On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. - She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. - The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. - I will be happy to go into her GI system

Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

There was a man, let's call him Gregory. Gregory was carrying a small box, and he went to another man's house (we'll call him Jebediah) and knocked on the door. When Jebediah answered, Gregory said "I have a proposition for you. Take this box. There is a button inside. If you press the button before I return, someone that you don't know will die. Tomorrow, I will return. If you have pressed the button, I will give you $20,000." Gregory left the box with Jebediah. Jebediah had to consider what he was going to do. Eventually he decided that he didn't care about the person, and he pressed the button. The next day, Gregory returned to take back the box. "Well then, I belive that this is yours,

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income. INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them. PAKISTAN ECONOMICS You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world. AMERICAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise whe