Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.

Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.

What do you call a black woman with braces? A Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker. Hear about the new deodorant called "Umpire"? It's for foul balls. How do you circumcise a whale? Fore-skin divers. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand. Why don't they use the 911 system in Poland? Polacks can't find the 'eleven' on the telephone dial. What do Polish women do when they're done sucking cock? Spit out the feathers. Why aren't cowboys circumcised? They need someplace to keep their Skoal while they eat lunch. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he was dead! How do you make a baby float? One root b

Women as Explained by Engineers Finally- an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man! Element: Woman Discoverer: Adam Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg, to 225 kg. Physical properties ___________________ Body surface normally covered with a film of powder and paint. Boils at absolutely nothing-freezes for no apparent reason. Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material, to common ore. Chemical properties ____________________ Reacts well to gold, platinum, and all precious stones. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning. The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. Common Use __________________ Highly ornamental, especially

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.

My little sister recently asked me: "Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?"

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked. "We're a military family," the wife answered. "Children?" "Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly. "Animals?" "Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Yo momma is so fat she was runing in the street with a yellow raincoat and the kids thougth they mised the bus.

Relish today, ketchup tomorrow! A hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say." "Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend. So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette. The taxi drove them, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See, that guy was really stupid." "No kidding," replies the blonde." There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Oh, the network outside is frightful, But on campus, it's so delightful, Our packets have nowhere to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. It doesn't show signs of stopping, All our packets, our hosts are dropping; Bandwidth is turned way down low, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. When we finally connect to a site, It's time to go back to the dorm; But if I could stay here all night, I could submit their Web form. The network is slowly dying, And, I fear, we're still denying, But as long as Sprint is the way to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of water? Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O Teacher: What is this? Paul: Well, you said it is H2O! ------------------------------------------------------- Teacher : Mike, get up! How can you sleep in my class? Mike : I can Mr, if you keep your voice down. ----------------------------------------------------------- Teacher : Where does God live? Little boy : I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?' ---------------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Annie! stop showing off! Do you think you are the teacher of