Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you're Scottish HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle? VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM: I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead. QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous. PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS: I am three years old. HASTE CUISINE: Fast Fren

Little Johnny was giving confession, and he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Little Johnny, indeed, it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

A man is out playing golf one day when he whacks the ball harder then usual. It goes soaring in the air, and the golfer yells, "FORE!" He runs over to find his ball, and he sees a guy holding his head in pain. The man is shouting "I will sue you, and I will win 1 thousand dollars!" The golfer replies "But I yelled 'fore,' so you can't sue me." The man replies: "Four, thats better than just one! I'll take it!"

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites. "Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest. "This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

A blonde and a brunette are in an elevator when a good-looking man enters. They notice that, though he is very handsome, he has very bad dandruff. He gets off at his floor, and when the doors close, the brunette looks at the blond and says, "Someone needs to give him some Head and Shoulders". The blonde replies, "How do you give someone shoulders?"

You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house.

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"