Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

Husband and wife are doing the spring house cleaning. Wife asks husband to hang some new curtain rods, but he can't do it without toggle bolts. He sends her to the hardware store where she asks the man behind the counter for two toggle bolts. He puts them on the counter, then asks, "You wanna screw for these?" "No," she replies, "but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the shelf."

Here is a list of some really stupid laws I've seen: Alaska- You can't wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture. Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays. Idaho- You can't fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?) Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren't any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!) You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors. Baldwin Park, California- You can't (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools. Houston, Texas- You can't sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. Lexington, Kentucky- You can't carry an ice

Betcha I can give up gambling!

What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!

BASIC: Bill''s Attempt to Seize Industry Control（比尔的企图：夺取工业控制） ISDN: It Still Does Nothing（它仍然什么都不做） DOS: Defunct Operating System（已死亡的操作系统） MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs（大部分功能崩溃，如果没有，则操作系统挂起） WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System（将在所有系统中安装无用数据） MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers（大部分聪明的用户认识到我们的软件仅仅欺骗年轻人）

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"

I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this

On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business." ************************** Sign over a Gynaecologist?s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will a

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom ''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out. ''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle wi

1) In Illinois, it is illegal to speak English. Well then, what do they speak? Gibberish? 2) In Crete, Illinois, it is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with someone else's dog. First of all, why would anybody attempt to even have sex with a dog? Second of all, is it okay to attempt to have sex with your own dog? And finally, my favorite one of all. . . 3)In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. Duh! No, we're all going to magically survive a 50 story drop to the concrete below.

A New Yorker, a redneck and a Mexican go in to the bathroom, and start to wash. The Mexican and the New Yorker start to wash their hands. The Mexican says, "At my school they taught me to use a paper towel to dry your hands, so they get dry." The New Yorker says, "My teacher told me to use the dryers, so we save trees." At that time, the red neck finishes his 'business', and right before opening the bathroom door, the Mexican said, "Gross, man, you did not wash your hands!" The redneck says, "Well, my teacher taught me to not piss on my hands."