Popular Jokes
Prison v. Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' by 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' by 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour. At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we
What if people bought cars like they buy
Computers?
The car companies don't have help lines
for people who don't know how to drive,
because people don't buy cars like they
buy computers, imagine if they did.....
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How
come I have to know all these technical terms to
use my car.
Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: M
Jack tells his shrink, "Last night I dreamed you were my mother."
"How did you feel about it after you woke up?" asks the psychiatrist.
"I overslept," answers Jack. "Then I remembered I had an appointment with you, so I grabbed a Coke and some cookies for breakfast and came right over. I didn't really have time to think about it. What does it mean, doc?"
"A Coke and some cookies?" says the psychiatrist. "You call that breakfast?"
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Only ONE!!
And do you know why it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNT OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they have been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! A
A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it isn't nice to keep bashing them in public.
The couple apologize and changes the topic.
A few minutes later the woman needs to go to the restroom, so she goes off, and she is followed by the blonde.
After 10 minutes the blonde comes out frusturated, and storms out the front door. The woman calmly comes out and sits down at her table.
The man asks what happened in there.
The woman replies, "Well, as I was washing my hands, the blonde cam
Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill replies, "Somersaults."
Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?" Bill calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?"
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a lea
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