Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks? Now you have a poem to say! I'm gonna get some Coke and a snack, This should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back.

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concuss

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Barbeque, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a real cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!" And, I went to a real rodeo... Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is ju

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a

Verbs Anal Salute backfire bake breeze biscuits bake brownies bark bend a valve Beep your horn Blast the chair blow dirt blow dust blow a fart blow a gasket blow kisses blow mud blow smoke Blow the big brown horn blow the sparkplugs blurt boff Bottom blast Bottom burp boom-boom break the seam break wind buang angin bust ass Buttock bassoon Butt burp Butt tuba butt yodeling chemold clear one's throat cleft a boofer colon bowlin' cook eggs couper le fromage crack ass crepitate crop dusting cut a gasser cut a melon cut chedder cut muffins cut one cut the cheese cut the provolone Cut a stinker Cut the wind deal one degas dot'dot draw mud from the bottom of

This is a true story. This happened many years ago, and was told me by a man with spare time on his hands, who used to spectate in court to pass some of that spare time. Lawyer - "You say you saw the defendant's car involved in a road accident at the junction of X and Y?" Policeman - "That is correct." L - "And where were you at this time?" P - "At the junction of X and Z." L - "So you were some 80 yards away when the incident occurred?" P - "Yes, I was." L, in incredulous accent - "So you were 80 yards away, but you say you knew this vehicle had been involved in an accident?" P - "Yes." L - "Then please tell the court how you knew this vehicle went through a red light?" P - "Because

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care!

Pete's at work when he realises he's forgotten to ask his wife, Alison, where he should pick her up after work. He calls home, and after several seconds, Ali answers the phone. Pete asks his question, and Ali shouts, "You got me out of the bath to ask me that? I dashed to the phone; I haven't even got a towel over me, I'm dripping water in the hall! Pick me up in the square at 5.30!" As soon as Ali tells him she's naked and wet in the hall, an evil thought occurs to him. "I'm terribly sorry to have got you out of the bath; ok, see you at 5.30 then." As he hangs up, he calls to his mate, Mark, and outlines his plan, and starts to dial his home number, then gives Mark the phone. When Ali answe

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you. 3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie." 4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." 5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this. 6) While sitting at your de

These are phrases found on funny T-shirts: *(camoflauge) Ha! Now you can't see me! * He did it --> *The leprechauns are after my stash. *I do what the voices tell me to do... *Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we? *See no homework, Speak no homework, Hear no homework, DO NO HOMEWORK. *I bet you were an ugly baby. *(Picture of Simpsons on it) I see dumb people... *I didn't do it. *(Scribbles all over it) Don't drink and draw. *(Picture of skunk) Silent but deadly... *He farted --> *(Picture of gas station) I have gas! *(Squirrels) Protect your nuts. *I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want? *Help! I talk too much! *(Upside down) If you can read this, please send me