A little blind rabbit and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see what species they were so they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the rabbit would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what species he was. The snake ran his tongue over the rabbit. "Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose," the snake said; "you must be a rabbit." The rabbit then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said, "Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard .... you must be a lawyer!"

A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they're so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it's ok. They don't want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they're complete nutcases. But the doctor wants to show them that the patients are really good. So he brings them in and says, "Sit Nuts." And all the patients sit. He then says, "Stand Nuts." And all the patients stand. He then says "Talk Nuts." And they all start chatting. The other doctors are impressed and agree its ok. So they go to the stadium and the doctor leaves to go get snacks. When he comes back out everyone i

A man goes into a bar. He sits down and starts staring at a young punk with spiked red hair, multicolored clothes, and an earring. The punk gets mad turns around and says, "Hey old man, what are you looking at?" The old man says, "Nothing, it's just that when I was in the army, I got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son."

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

Mission to Mars (Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut) The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle. "Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions." The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2, report to communications for instructions." Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compar

Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or "Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex." Now my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hote

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wi

Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish!

Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.

To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition," the doctor told his patient. "We're going to put you in an isolation unit, where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza." "Will pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" "No," replied the doctor. "They're the only things we can slip under the door."