How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating? By the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.

How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house? It depends on how thin you slice 'em.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" "A little. What's wrong?" "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." "How did you load the sheet?" "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.

You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!

A blonde walks into a restaraunt and asks for fish and chips. When she sees the fries on her plate she says "I asked for chips, not fries!"

You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS: Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone

Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.

U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day. "Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," pointedly replied the First Lady. The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, "Does each rooster service the same hen each time?" "No," replied the farmer, "there are many hens for each rooster." "Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.

Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.