Husband and wife are doing the spring house cleaning. Wife asks husband to hang some new curtain rods, but he can't do it without toggle bolts. He sends her to the hardware store where she asks the man behind the counter for two toggle bolts. He puts them on the counter, then asks, "You wanna screw for these?" "No," she replies, "but I'll blow you for the clock radio on the shelf."

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas ------------------------------------------ (I actually did all of these) 1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what kind of conversation you can start. (I met lots of new people this way) 2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You forgot my name, again, didn't you!?" (People normally look at me very confused with this one.) 3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help. (If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!") 4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down. See if they apologize. (This is hard

One day Tommy was sitting in class, the teacher came over and told him to go out in the hallway. He got mad and he didn't move. Five minutes later, she came back over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. "I thought I told you to go out in the hallway." "I did," He told her lying through his teeth. "Ok then, so what did you do with your gifts?" she asked. "What gifts?" "Your mom was outside in the hallway holding some gifts for you for your birthday, did you not see her or were you lying to me?" So he ran outside the class but his mom was gone. He was very upset but as he was walking back into the class, the teacher said, "Gotcha, that will teach you to d

BASIC: Bill''s Attempt to Seize Industry Control（比尔的企图：夺取工业控制） ISDN: It Still Does Nothing（它仍然什么都不做） DOS: Defunct Operating System（已死亡的操作系统） MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs（大部分功能崩溃，如果没有，则操作系统挂起） WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System（将在所有系统中安装无用数据） MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers（大部分聪明的用户认识到我们的软件仅仅欺骗年轻人）

A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."

A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Jim is in a hot-air balloon, completely lost. He sees a man in a field below and flies down to him. "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where I am?" The man in the field replied "You're in a balloon." Jim said "You're an engineer, aren't you?" "Why yes, I am. How did you know?" "Because you gave me a perfectly logical, yet completely useless answer." Jim continued flying, when he saw another man in a field. "Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me where I am?" he asked. "Well, you're about two miles north of Ogdenville. If you go to the west side of town you'll find an airstrip that you can safely land on." Jim replied "Thank you very much, sir. That was extremely helpful. Say, I'l

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"

WINDERS 98 MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE: It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note: Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard Hard Drive is referred to as

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.

BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions? GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.