Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long? A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.

A Duke is hunting in a forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he comes upon a tree. Archery targets are painted all over it, and smack in the middle of each is an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cries the Duke. "I must find him." After continuing through the forest for a few miles, he comes across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admits that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asks the Duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from 100 paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." "That is truly astonishing," says the Duke

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted.

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said, "He sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20.00 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse not on top."

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall. One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?" "Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed. That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she repeats, "...I would do...*anything*." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "*Anything*." His voice softens. "*Anything*??" "*Anything*." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Q: What did the seismologist say when he messed up? A: It's not my fault.

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my

1. It is the new hip thing to rot your teeth. 2. They are highly non-nutritous. 3. In case of weak teeth, just bite into the hard candy. 4. For absolutely no good reason. 5. Makes you sick so that you do not have to go to school. 6. To get hyperactive so that you are not sleepy when you get out of bed. 7. Because the candy is saying, "Eat me!!!" 8. Because your tummy is growling and you think it is annoying. 9. In case you got an urge to suck on something. 10. Because the noises that the candy makes when it bangs against your teeth makes a relaxing sound for the mind.

Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"