For those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best. Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

It was often said that if an African American was ever voted in to be the President of the United States, that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.

The teacher asks in school: "What is the most important thing in socialism?" The students consider and little Fritz (Fritzchen) answers: "The most important thing in socialism is the human!" The teacher: "That is a good answer, Fritzchen. I will give you a B-grade." Fritzchen is dissatisfied and responds emphatically: "Would you maybe give me an A if I told you what the human's name was?"

"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."

The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, if you like crowded trains."

Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.

Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.

And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.

A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?" "It went perfectly." "Then why do I have this headache?" "Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic."

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem. The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you". So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis" Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.