"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend asked, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun." answered the other detective. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective. "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

LOVE: A word involving four letters, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots. It refers to a disease that can be cured by marriage. ARCHITECT: A guy not "macho" enough to be an engineer and not queer enough to be an interior designer. TO DANCE: It refers to the vertical frustration of a horizontal desire. BRAIN: An organ that allows us to think we think. BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an idiot guided by an idiot dressed like a child. HEADACHE: A woman's most trustworthy modern contraceptive. BUST: Statue of a man without hands or the parts of a woman where a man's hands have been. ORAL EXAM: A test you must pass to become an intern in the White house. A POLITICAL CANDIDATE: A pers

Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.

A little guy is seated next to a big guy at a bar and asks his name. The big guy says, "They call me Tex." The little guy replies, "Oh, you must be from Texas." The big guy says, "Nope. I'm from Louisiana." "Hmmm," the little guy replies, "Then why do they call you Tex?" The big guy looks down at him and says, "Would you like to try calling me Louise?"

Yo Momma so fat, you can see her from space.

You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.

Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.