Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Funny Book Titles ========================= 40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont 50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel A Great Plenty by E. Nuff A Stitch in Time by Justin Case A Stuntman To The End: Kenny Doitt A Trip to the Dentist by Yin Pain A Whole Lot of Cats by Kitt N. Caboodle Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights Advanced Maths by Smart E. Pants After The Corned Beef And Cabbage: Kay O'Pectate Ah, Thor!: Ty Till All Alone: Saul E. Terry Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe Almost Missed the Bus by Justin Time Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway Ambush! by May T. Surprise And Shut

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money.

Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party? A: He didn't want to be a party pooper.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Your momma is so old, she breast fed Methuselah.

How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb? They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.

Please tell me how to obey these signs: All Night Dance Club; NO MUSIC ALLOWED Public Stairway; Please do not climb on stairs Country Road; NO PEDESTRIANS OR AUTOMOBILES A room in a touch-an-feel musem; Do not touch A seminar for the deaf; Please listen to others Local bookstore; Feel free to read books in this section, however do not read them in this store A local carpet store completely covered in rugs; Come in! Please do not step on rugs And please tell me who wrote these signs.

Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys)

A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!