Cartoon Laws of Physics Cartoon Law I Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of mo

Verbs Anal Salute backfire bake breeze biscuits bake brownies bark bend a valve Beep your horn Blast the chair blow dirt blow dust blow a fart blow a gasket blow kisses blow mud blow smoke Blow the big brown horn blow the sparkplugs blurt boff Bottom blast Bottom burp boom-boom break the seam break wind buang angin bust ass Buttock bassoon Butt burp Butt tuba butt yodeling chemold clear one's throat cleft a boofer colon bowlin' cook eggs couper le fromage crack ass crepitate crop dusting cut a gasser cut a melon cut chedder cut muffins cut one cut the cheese cut the provolone Cut a stinker Cut the wind deal one degas dot'dot draw mud from the bottom of

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following: 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Threatening the horse with termination. 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. 7. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired. 8. Change the

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!

1. Britney Spears & Eminem who, combined, have written more books than they've read. 2. Dr. Phil McGraw who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues. 3. America's Oil Companies for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix. 4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other. 5. Bill Gates for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession. 6. The Editors of Maxim for man

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on. "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" "A little. What's wrong?" "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." "How did you load the sheet?" "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying "DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!"

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Knock-knock! Who's there? Chips. Chips who? Chips Ahoy!

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed. The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed. The Newf requests a plate of strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES ????" "Yes, Strawberries." He is told, "But they are out of season!" "So, I'll wait."

Funny Names of Real People A. Blinkin A. Nicholas Fivepennies Aaron D. Tires Aaron Jeglad Aaron Yerfavor Abbie Birthday Abbie Seenia Abe L. Tuwok Abe Ozo Abe Rudder Abel N. Willan Abner Period Acassa Beer Acassa Coke Achilles Punks Ada Burger Adam Baum Adam Meway Adam Pimple Adam Zapple Adelaide Evening Adolph D'Plate Agusta Wind Al B. Zienya Al Beback Al Bequerque Al Bino Al Cahall Al Catraz Al Coholic Al Dente Al DePantzeu Al Fabet Al Fresco Al Gebra Al Gee Al Gore Ithem Al K. Seltzer Al Kaholic Al Kickurass Al Kida Al Killeu Al Ligator Al Low Al Lowe Vera Al Luminum Al Nino Al O'Moaney Alan A. Daiswerk Alan D'Family Alan Goodtime Alba Tross Alberto Viofive Albie L