Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much He owed, but Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor?" Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor." Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finke

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Eminem/ M & M: I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.

The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and to one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: "Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!"

Funny Book Titles ========================= 40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont 50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel A Great Plenty by E. Nuff A Stitch in Time by Justin Case A Stuntman To The End: Kenny Doitt A Trip to the Dentist by Yin Pain A Whole Lot of Cats by Kitt N. Caboodle Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights Advanced Maths by Smart E. Pants After The Corned Beef And Cabbage: Kay O'Pectate Ah, Thor!: Ty Till All Alone: Saul E. Terry Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe Almost Missed the Bus by Justin Time Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway Ambush! by May T. Surprise And Shut

There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot. One time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. "Bastard!" the father muttered afterwards. The boy asked, "What does 'bastard' mean?" The dad told him nervously, "It's a slang word for 'police officer'." Another time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, "Shit!" The boy heard and asked, "Dad, what does 'shit' mean?" The dad said to him, "It means 'doormat'." Later, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, "Tit!" The boy asked her, "What does 'tit' mean?" The m

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money.

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

Dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Dear Mom and Dad, Our scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Long got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."