Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys)

Two Potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is a hooker? It's the one stamped I-da-Ho (Idaho potato)

TRUE STORY I was working in a restaurant for several years. On a very busy night, I was helping out with the seating. I showed seats to a party of four and when I went to give them the menus, I realised we only had one menu left. As I placed the menu in front of one of them and told the other three that I would get them menus soon, they began laughing. They told me that the woman that I gave the menu to was blind!

I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.

There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long he could suck it, Said he with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!

A man was filling out a job application form. Whe he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote "No." Not realising that the next question was only for people who answered "Yes", he wrote "Never been caught." ======================================= A bank manager was interviewing candidates for a cashier's post, and was down to the last two people. One was a nice young man, but a bit timid, so he calls for the second applicant, "Mr. Johnson!" Up steps a burly young man who seems very sure of himself. The bank manager thinks, 'he looks like he can take care of himself' and decides to hire him. He says, "Now, Jim, I like the way you carry yourself. However, you did no

I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.

The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!"

- You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your E-mail on the way back to bed. - You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom. - You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. - You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment. - You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. - You laugh at people with 14.4 band modems. - You start using smileys in your snail mail. - You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com - You can't call your mother because she doesn't

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have ano

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John