There were two fish. The first says: "We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die." The second says: "So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?" First fish: "Yup" Second: "Are we gonna have sex?" First : "Yup" Second: "Ok count me in!"

Teacher: "Can someone tell me three kinds of triangles? Yes, Jimmy?" Jimmy: "OK, so there's right, isosceles, and you, your husband, and the mailman." The class laughed. "OK, young man. Now you're going straight to the principal." said the teacher. And the principal laughed too.

What do you do when you're lonely on an Alaskan cruise? Answer: Go to the window and yell "whale"

What did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!

What did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault!

Dickiedoo Disease: defined as the expansion of the adominal region of the human male to the point where it eliminates the view of the male's private part from its possessor. Translated into a more commonly used phrase "His belly sticks out further than his Dickiedoo! Also know as Abdominalius Humongus and in some cases where the male appendage is not very large, this condition is known as Male Apparatus Non-existus.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear. St. Peter looked

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS: Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 12- Pack of Bud 11 Rasslin' Tickets 10 tins of Copenhagen 9 Years Probation 8 Holey vests 7 Kissing Cousins 6 Cans of Spam 5 Hunting Hounds 4 Mudgrip tyres 3 Shot Gun Shells 2 more Gaps in Teeth And some parts to a Mustang GT

Smart-ass Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat ...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Smart-ass Answer #2 A truck driver was driving along on! the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver sa

The blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department. The blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos - after all, they now had their own department at the university. They now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education De

The good, the bad and the ugly. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids; Bad: You can't find your birth control pills; Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room; Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there; Ugly: You're in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion; Bad: He's a cross-dresser; Ugly: He looks better than you. Good: Your son's finally maturing; Bad: He's involved with the woman next door; Ugly: So are you. Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter; Bad: She keeps interrupting; Ugly: With corrections. Good: Your wife's not talking to you; Bad: She wants a divorce; Ugly: She's a lawyer. Good: The postman's early; Ba