Category Jokes -
You are stuck in a room with absolutely no doors, no windows, and no escape. You are surrounded by 415 inch think metal walls. All you have is a mirror and a table.
How do you get out?
Well, you look into the mirror. You saw yourself, right? Now, use the saw to chop the table in half. To halves make a whole, so jump through the hole. Then yell at the top of your lungs until your voice is hoarse, then jump on the horse and ride away!
=)
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were on the run from a cop after stealing from a shop. They decided to hide in some trees.
The cop passes by the trees, and he knocks the tree that the redhead was in. She said "squawk, squawk, squawk". So the cop said "Oh, it's just a bird". Then he knocks the tree that the brunette was in. She made noises like a squirrel, so the cop said "Oh, it's just a squirrel". Then the cop goes and knocks the tree the blonde was in and she said "moo, moo, moo". The cop got alerted and so the 3 of them was on the run again.
This time, the decide to hide in some bags. The cop comes by and kicks the bag the redhead was in, and she said "meow, meow, meow". So the cop
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
11. No movie. Don't need one.
Some small ads that didn't quite come out right on paper -
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Did they mean these ads to read as they do?
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter; "This is Three Horse."
"That's a picturesque name," said the reporter. "Does it have deep symbolism?"
"Yes," the chief replied. "Nag, nag, nag!"
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? . . .
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road
and not live his life like the
Knock knock
Who's there?
Idunnap.
Idunnap who?
Well, you best get to the toilet then!
(For those of you who don't understand you're meant to say, "i done a poo!")
Aren't you tired of those stupid, mushy greeting cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another...
Dear friend,
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad...
When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you...
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid...
When you are scared, I'll will rag about it every chance I get...
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whinin'...
When you are confuse, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass...
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well
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