What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey

newf is cool timmy cool is cool battery is cool girliepie is cool newf is cool drunky is cool all on my buddy list are cool all on wocka are cool all on braingle are cool all on earth are cool all in the many universes are cool I just said you're cool vote full funny to agree you're cool schatzy228 is an @$$hole

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen were waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsches?" he asks. The Englishmen just stare at him. "M'excusez-vous, parlez-vous français ?" They continue to stare. "Lo scusate, parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Me excusa, usted habla español?" Still nothing. The Swiss man drives off in disgust. One Englishman says to the other, "Y'know, maybe we ought to learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That feller knew 4 languages, and it didn't do him any good!"

Three contractors are at a theme park to bid for a job repairing fences – one is from New York, one from Texas and the third from Florida. First to bid is the Florida contractor. He measures up and says, "Well, I reckon we'll do the job for $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for the men, and $100 for me." Next is the Texan, who measures up and says, "I'll do the job for $700, that's $300 for materials, $300 for my men, and $100 for me." The man from New York doesn't even stand up. He says, "$2700." The park owner, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure the job! How did you arrive at that price?" "Easy," says the New Yorker. "$1000 for you, $1000 for me, and we hire the Texan."

The blonde arrived at work, looking very bleary-eyed and tired. "What's wrong with you?" asked her friend. "I was up half the night," came the reply. "And why was that?" "I was waiting for the cat to come home, so I could put her out for the night."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and Angelina Jolie are sitting together in a train travelling through Switzerland when the train enters a tunnel, and everything goes dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, Angelina Jolie and the Englishman are sitting there as if nothing has happened, and the Frenchman is holding a slapped face. The Frenchman is thinking, "That Englishman must have kissed Angelina and she swung at him, missed, and slapped me." Angelina Jolie is thinking, "That French guy must have tried to kiss me, kissed the Englishman by mistake, and got slapped." The Englishman is thinking, "This is great. When we go through the n

Q: How many Aries does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of lightbulbs. ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What, me move? ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. (C'mon, don't tell me you didn't see that coming!) ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but he has to bring his mother. ----------------------------------------------- Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A dozen; one to change the lightbulb, and eleven to applaud

Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence Faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman buys the food. 2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the

Remember when ram meant just a male sheep And bugs and worms were just things that creep? When a gopher and a mouse were li'l critters And virus were microbes that gave one the shivers? When a web was a sticky net that housed a spider And nets were just strings all woven together? When surfing was just riding an ocean wave And a slip was dodging trouble with a close shave? When a mime was a painted-face animated mute clown And hackers were people who slashed things down? When menus and servers were all about eating And addresses and homes were places for living? When Archie and Veronica were actually people And trolls were pests that were considered mythical? When mud was just slime an

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. - Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not allow this employee to breed. - This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. - He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. - This young lady has delusio

A normally sweet Great Dane, Psil, has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man. Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner, trying to ease the situation, said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men." "Don't you feed him anything else?" he responded.